I don’t know what i want to write

I want to write. Today i wanted to write, well that was my main aim anyway but i literally had nothing to write about. I am totally blank. Empty vessel i would like to call myself moving forward. I would love to attribute all of this to writer's block but issa lot, its more than that. I realise that i am simply unable to get my creative juice flowing if i am happy, i have to be sad or angry or depressed for me write something decent. How is that life? For me to be a creative i have to be in a dark place? How is that life??? I have noticed that is the case with my painting too, i never pull out my paint box if all is well in my world. In fact i don't think i have painted at all this year and the number of blogs i have published and the quality is bleh.

Is it because i mostly write true stories?

Should i focus mostly on creating sad fiction maybe?

Would that work?

How do i become a happy creative?

Why are my imaginary friends refusing to talk to me?

How do i channel dark me to be productive?

Were do i draw inspiration from?

HELP ME!!!!!!!

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Forgive me Father, for i have sinned. 

Forgive me Father, for i have sinned…

That is all i could say. That is all i managed to pray. Forgiveness. Did i deserve it? I wondered….

I had arrived early at church, with my man in hand ofcourse. You know what they say about couples who pray together and what note. This was our routine every sunday we would visit mass at 1830 followed by a dinner date and whatever else tickles our fancy.

Today was one of those days, mass and an early dinner because of exams, what could go wrong?

We settled on our usual place, last bench on the left aisle him on my left side, i on his right. Then went out to shuffle the hymn books to look for English text. I felt a tap on my neck, nigga better not be playing with my pressure points in this holy church i turn around and face HIM. Oh wow, not the him i was expecting. Another him. A him i shouldn't be bumping into in our lady of the rosary Church! I realise he is waiting for me to wave back, and i do so awkwardly. He walks away to find somewhere to sit. I face my man to see if he sensed the sexual tension that reeked in our brief exchange with HIM (lets call him D) but he gives nothing away.

Phew.

My mind cannot help but go there.  I look at HIM, or rather his backview as he decided to sit 6 benches in front of us. I now have, not one but two men who have seen me naked in this holy catholic church. As if praying besides someone i plan to sin with later is not shameful enough for my conscience. Wow i am a sinner. 

We shouldn't be in the same church considering the ridiculous amount of coitus we have had, i miss squeezing his butt.  He is not handsome like my man next to me but there is something about a man who has nothing to offer except dick. I am in church, i shouldn't be having such ungodly thoughts. Its been a long while since we stopped, to my surprise we are somewhat friends now we can sit and talk, laugh, even give each other relationship advice but it never crossed my mind that we would bump into each other in this church.

The priest enters.

Priest: In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. 

Now i can focus on something else other that my sinfullness.

Priest: Brothers and sisters, let us acknowledge our sins, and so prepare ourselves to celebrate the sacred mysteries.

Me, sincerely:

 I confess to almighty God and to you, my brothers and sisters, that I have greatly sinned, in my thoughts and in my words, in what I have done and in what I have failed to do, through my fault, through my fault,through my most grievous fault; therefore I ask blessed Mary ever-Virgin, all the Angels and Saints, and you, my brothers and sisters, to pray for me to the Lord our God.

I feel slightly better. He is a God of forgiveness after all. Lord have mercy, glory, liturgy of the word and i have regained my sanity just before the first reading. Late comers start trickling in.

Enter Collins.

At this time i am shook, i actually laugh out loud. What is the universe trying to tell me? That i am a ho? Okay okay i get it. As luck would have it he chooses to sit right in front of me where i can see him. I look at my man besides me, oblivious of the comedy that is going on he is focused on the word. He looks back at me and squeezes my hand, i kind of needed that. Collins is the guy i dated before my man here, while i was sleeping with HIM. I did not engage in sexual relations with Collins as i was already getting it elsewere so i claimed i was celibate for the first two months or so then i started being actually celibate and he got fed up of waiting and he said he needed a break. I said okay. And yet here i was, in less than two months obviously cosying up with another man reeking of sexual nourishment. 

What a mess.

When i come to, it is almost time for communion. While giving each other the sign of peace Collins winks at me, i hope the boyfriend did not see that. In an unrelated matter Collins has such a gorgeous smile, one that would melt a witch's coochie. I say out the prayer as genuinely as i can, i truly mean it:

Lord, i am not worthy to receive you but only say the word and my soul shall be healed.

I go and receive communion nonetheless after all this is the chalice of his blood, the blood of the new and everlasting covenant which was poured out for me and for many for the forgiveness of sins. As i walk back from receiving the body of christ i bump into HIM as he is coming also from the alter, i avoid all eye contact as i am at the brink of bursting out in laughter at this ridiculousity that i call my life.

The rest of the mass goes by so fast i am too shook to ask Mary who is full of grace to even pray for me now. And when all is over i walk towards the door, dip my finger in holy water and all i can think of is:

Forgive me father, for i have sinned.

The person i like and why i like them? 🙄

I think this challenge is really trying me tbh. I do happen to like someone, oh yes i do. As an African i have been told not to speak about things prematurely or they will be jinxed but fuck it let me give you the tea ☕️

There is a certain somebody i like, like really like. I mean i usually run home in these kind of situations but guess who is a little brave now? Yours truly. The person i like is tall, oh yes i am into tall drinks of water. With one of those not-so-athletic but also not-so-chubby bodies. With a dash of romantic and a smile to die for. The person i like seems to like me too. The person i like is attentive to detail, can tell whats what before being told. The person i like seems to understand the art of communication. This human also seems to understand the importance of a phone call in the midst of social media. How so precious 🤗. 

This person is definately my next heartbreak and i really dont mind.

What i wear to bed…

Yoh this challenge is playing me 🤔.


I wear my fears

I wear my coulda woulda shouldas

I wear my regrets

I wear the replays of my day

I wear my grace

I wear my archievements

I wear my growth

I wear my procastination

I wear my aspirations

I wear my dreams

I kid, i am being fake deep

I wear nothing

Absolutely nothing

Because if i go to sleep clothed

I always dream that i am a slave

Bound to this vain earth

Like something is holding me back

There i go again being fake deep

I wear nothing

I wear my nakedness

Just because.

The kind of person that attracts me

This is a tough one tbh because i don’t consider myself to have a certain type you see but for the sake of this challenge let me try. 

I am attracted by men who like to play coy and hard to get ( which is code for he is not that into you) but still me being me i am thrilled by the chase. I don’t mind chasing till the mission is completed, it ends disastrously most times for me though but that hasn’t stoped me.

Good looks. Oh yes i like handsome men because i am not trying to take pictures with someone with an assface. Show me something handsome, tall, dark and i am all over that!

I also like attentive men, yes i love attention (you guessed that right), i like someone who knows what i like without being told, someone who knows what pisses me off, someone who doesn’t bluetick me for too long 😂. Yes i love attentive men but not too much attention though. Too much attention annoys me like boy don’t you have a life? Can’t be texting me non stop asking me silly things like who are with and have you eaten hawu too much of everything is never good. 

I am down for a guy who shows me they are into me, actions speak louder than words. You do not have to annoy me with big words like “i love you” if you are not going to back all that talk up by showing me. Those coy mind and guessing games can miss me, i am a grown woman. Its either you into me or fuck you

I like men who have the potential to cheat but wouldnt i mean i am not trying to be with someone who is  attractive to me only! Be attractive to everyone damnit!

I am also into people who know how to kiss. Bad kissers are a turnoff a major turnoff, slow down do not drown me in your saliva abeg 😩😩

Most important of all i am attracted to someone who takes me as i am (pros and cons). If you are trying to govern me or change me i will advice you to try creating your own human and breathing air into them then do as you deem fit with them. Take me as i am or leave.

I kid. I am attracted to anyone who is attracted to me. I am down for whoever is down for me.

How i have changed in the past two years…

Before you proceed you might want to check this out …

Change. I have to admit i am one of those people who are really scared of it. I like to think of myself as spontaneous and all that but it is usually within my reach, i don’t do well with drastic change. I like routine, i like knowing exactly what is happening and i like things to stay put. Looking back two years ago (powered by this post) i realise that i have gone through a whole lot of changes than i cared to notice. 2015 was another life man you have no idea, let me break down the changes for you:

2015 was my year of alcohol, i drank, all i did was drank. I drank it all. I went out with my friends, i travelled around my country. I was working at that time and my salary was just for alcohol, travel and food. Those were good times. Now, i rarely drink and its probably because i moved to India in dry state were you can’t just walk up to a shop and buy alcohol. There are no clubs (in this state) therefore we buy alcohol and just do drink ups at home or in the car and what’s the fun in that huh? 2017 i have labelled as the year of fitness. As we know alcohol and fitness are not the best of friends so we drink in moderation. Oh also i think i have droped 20kgs from the 2015 me yea b snatch that im all kinds of yummy now. Literally a snack 😂🙈

Another change i have undergone is i am celibate now. Those who know me know that i am a very sexually liberal person and i am not shy with details. But somehow this year i found myself being more stingy with myself (ndega ndonaka). I just find it hard for me to give away the most part of myself to just anyone njee not that that is what i used to do. See, i am a one flavour kind of girl if you are my chocolate chip ima chow you into oblivion, you wont ever see me in the strawberry aisle. Its hard to jump from one partner to the other after falling out so i decided to date without the sex. Oh yes you guessed it niggas are so not down for that, so thats probably it im the fine line between celibacy and drought. Oh i have also noticed that if i haven’t done the deed i move on faster than the flash. Issa bonus. In 2015 i was in a “serious”relationship 😊….

In 2015 i was at a dead end job, a british claims call centre, with no idea what my next step was. I barely thought about it. I was content, probably because i was grateful to actually have a job at all. However i am happy to report that 2017 sees me a focused young woman pursing a public health career praise God halleluyah.

2017 has seen me getting real close with my mom, back then i would forget to text her. But with the distance between us the heart has grown fonder. I see her clearly now, she is made from nothing but pure gold 😍

My hair has gone through changes as well, i now keep my hair natural no weaves no braids no dreadlocks just my uncombed blonde hair. Whoever lied to me than i can rock any hairstyle and still queen did yall a disservice.

That’s it till the next post 😉