What i wear to bed…

Yoh this challenge is playing me 🤔.


I wear my fears

I wear my coulda woulda shouldas

I wear my regrets

I wear the replays of my day

I wear my grace

I wear my archievements

I wear my growth

I wear my procastination

I wear my aspirations

I wear my dreams

I kid, i am being fake deep

I wear nothing

Absolutely nothing

Because if i go to sleep clothed

I always dream that i am a slave

Bound to this vain earth

Like something is holding me back

There i go again being fake deep

I wear nothing

I wear my nakedness

Just because.

Whose babies are these anyway? (4)

Read 1, 2 and 3 here if haven’t already.

Its rare occassions like these were i get to have off days, and by off i mean off from watching the kids. I love spending time with the twins but i am a man, sometimes i feel like i am not designed to sit at home with the babies all day waiting for my wife to bring home the bacon.

Today the wife has an offday and i am out with the boys because its a weekend and only then can they hangout during the day. I hate being a stay at home dad to be honest, my mother thinks its weird that i let my wife wear the pants like i had a choice. I cannot secure a job in this income and so my wife has to work very hard but boy the dillema of living with an breadwinning woman #sigh. She respected me at first, she understood and supported my decision but i cannot help but feel like she looks at me as if i am useless man. She is starting to sound more and more disrespectful, i want to earn her admiration back again, i want her to look at me with awe like she used to.

 What do i bring to the table besides….i chuckle. This is what got me into the whole Hazel situation, i just needed a break. I just needed to feel like a man, i just needed to remind myself that i can still get the respect deserved. The whole babysitting thing was circumstantial, i didn’t plan on it. I just wanted to feel needed and boy is she needy. My phone has been buzzing none stop and i know for certain thats her even though i just saw her, one would think she has her hands full what with all that education she is receiving. I need to stop it with her, i love my wife and i love my family i wouldn’t want to jeopardise that for these whores. Maybe i should text her and tell her that i want out, or should i drive over there and tell her in person? Texting is more appropriate, i think and while i am at it go home and spend time with my family it has been damn too long.

HAZEL: YOU ARE NOT COMING TO SEE ME TODAY? I MISS YOU

Not now, Satan.

HAZEL: OH NEVER MIND, MY TETE IS COMING TO KEEP ME COMPANY. WHAT DO YOU THINK I SHOULD WEAR I HAVE A WARDROBE CRISIS.

I don’t give a hoot what you wear. What’s this chic on?

HAZEL: I DECIDED TO WEAR A SKIRT, JUST SO YOU KNOW I AM NOT WEARING ANY UNDERWEAR SO I ADVICE YOU TO COME OVER WHEN SHE HAS LEFT. I WILL TEXT YOU. XO-XO

Typical attention seeking syndrome, i am turned on but i am going home to my wife!

Tanya: If you think that college kid can do a better job as a wife, as a mother  then i am not going to stand in your way Jonathan but be rest assured i won’t be here to watch you make a fool of everything I have built. I am done, do not look for me.

Wait, what??

HAZEL: YOU FUCKING PIG, PICK UP YOUR PHONE. YOUR WIFE, MAY GOD REST HER SOUL, LEFT THE BABIES HERE AND JUST DISAPPEARED, COME AND TAKE YOUR FUCKING KIDS BEFORE I THROW THEM IN THE TRASH CAN WERE YAL BELONG!!
Shit. I drive blindly towards her campus with a million thoughts swimming in my head. How? What? Were? When i cannot even begin to comprehend it. Hazel’s phone is unreachable and if it is true that she dumped the kids at Hazel’s hostel then what now? How did she find out? Her aunt is my wife? I am so confused, women are confusing. What if i lose my wife because of this self-validation nonsense then what? This is some deep shit i am in, but whatever happens i am going to collect my kids from Hazel and go home with them and figure it out from there.

Tanya’s phone is still unreachable, what if she has done something stupid like kill herself? Oh My God what have i done??

Whose babies are these anyway? (2)

You can read whose babies are these anyway 1 here!

I am pissed.

What do men want really? I cook, i clean, i wash, i take care of my babies and on top of that i work my ass off to feed my family because my husband is unemployed. I am unable to produce sufficient breast milk for the twins so i have to give them formula. During the day i leave then in care of Jonathan, or so i thought. I recently discovered that he takes them to his college girlfriend to babysit while doing God knows what.

What pisses me off the most is that i am doing the best i can to keep a plate on our table, i feed my family , i take care of the bills and instead of him being grateful not only does he drive around with this girl in the car that i bought it, he exposes my kids to this girl? They are young yes but shouldn’t he be ashamed of his actions? According to my young cousin who learns at this college this girl is the one who is buying all the formula and the diapers i have been praising Jonathan for buying. Does she think i am incapable of taking care of my own children? What does he tell her about me, i wonder? That i am a useless bitch who doesn’t know how to take care of her own family? That he is single? But that does not explain the fresh babies he drives around with. Most men lie that they are separated from their wives but is she dumb enough to just be believing a man without doing proper research? She looks like she is smart, oh yes i have seen her photos on Facebook. I know how she looks like, i know she is doing some fancy degree and i know were she stays i have done my proper research.

I am pissed because now i am starting to feel like i am not good enough. I am beautiful, i own a small successful cosmetic business, i have given him beautiful twins. I am solely responsible for the developments of this family and until now i did not see anything wrong with our arrangement. I did not force him to be a stay at home dad, he offered since he was unable to secure a job anyway. Did i emasculate him? No, we are a team everything i own he owns as well. But i can’t help feeling like i did something wrong even though i know i haven’t done so. I am tired. I am drained mentally ever since my cousin told me about it last week i have thought of nothing but how did i come into this situation.

I am pissed because yes i know men cheat but never had i thought that mine would too. I am pissed because i do not know how i can even begin to confront him and even if i did how would the outcome benefit anyone? If he admits to it then what? Do i just forgive him and hope he will leave her or do i leave him and raise the handful as a single mom? Which lets face it i am not ready to do, i am ashamed the church people have a certain way of looking at single women filthy as if i was unable to keep a husband.If he denies i won’t believe him because i have seen the picture the bimbo posted on Facebook with my twins on it captioned “my babies” bitter laugh. Your babies huh, she thinks she knows how to take care of children just by babysitting for a few hours? Does she know how i had to stay in and out of the hospitals when they were sick, how i was told having babies was a risk with the way my health is set up but i went and had them anyway and she claims them as hers. You know what? Fuck society, fuck it all, fuck everything this bitch wants it all huh?

I know what i must do!

“Do you believe in love?”

“Do you believe in love?” He asked me.

Do i? Why is he even asking this? Is this one of those leading questions that lead to i am single and you are single so lets just? Because if thats the case no thank you. Or maybe its a simple question just for conversation’s sake. Yea i believe in love actually, because of Ave. She is the most loving person i know, i almost envy her. Almost. This makes me think about that day at the airport, the tears she shed for Muku when he came to bid her farewell. You would think she is going forever but oh well. She kept obsessing about how she already missed him all the way to Bombay. The first week was painful to watch, they would spend each and every free minute of theirs texting, chatting and whatsapp calling with each other it was soo annoying and sweet. “Oh God i miss him and i love him.” Then this one time she happened to want directions to the Western Union she met Patel, a nice handsome Indian fellow who happened to take it upon himself to see her there. A dinner date later and a movie something seemed to be sparking between them. She would obsess about arranged marriages and what would happen if his mother arranged someone else for him, an indian girl, yet she loved him…

Wow

Wonderful.

Fantastic.

She was fighting this lost cause when she met her next prey about two weeks later. Yes a chocolate brother this time, not necessarily Zimbabwean. Rwandese he was, fine guy fine anyhow!! Edible. Hookahs were passed, numbers were exchanged and flirting was experienced. One or two dates later chikitsi was given as a token of appreciation and to appease the gods for making such a mouth watering person. He said he didnt want to be fuckbuddies only, he was ready for a relationship not games. What girl doesnt want to hear that? She bought whatever he was selling, hung on to everything he was saying and even moved into the same apartment building as him only 3 floors lower for control. He kept making excuses from seiing her because he was “studying”. Mmhh. Ave kept on making excuses for him until one day a friend mentioned in passing how he has got a girl and what note. “How could he do this to me, i love him.” It barely has been a week but…. like i said she is the most loving person i know. How can i not believe in love with the likes of Ave roaming in my life? She is the ultimate lover of all mankind, ready to scatter her love everywere and to sow…

“Tatenda?” He jolts me back to reality. “I asked you if you believe in love.”

Lol i can’t believe i been so gone all this while, lol how can i be so caught up in my mind that i forget i am speaking to someone. I must stop smoking God’s plants please. He must think that i am….here i go again.

I snap out of it, “Yes, ofcourse i do. Its just not for me. Not now anyway.”I smile and take another pull, this is the plant that the Lord has made, i will rejoice and be glad in it.

Whose babies are these anyway? (1)

Nan

Huggies diapers

Johnson’s baby oil

Baby wipes

I look at my trolley and i laugh. This is ridicilous, i am walking around with a basket full of baby products and for what? For mans. I laugh again.

One fine bros is looking at me hawkingly across the aisle, i think of going to talk to him but think against it. Focus, i tell myself, you need to act your part now. I quickly pay and leave Pick n’ Pay. 

“Excuse me,” Someone yells behind me, “Excuse me ma’am.” I turn back and i see that man from the aisle running towards me. What now? These men and their thirst. Maam, huh? He probably can tell that i am young, he probably assumed that since i am here alone i am a single mother or something and is looking for an easy lay. I am already irritated.

“Sorry to disturb you but i could not help but notice you are double buying, how old are your twins?”

Oho mans coming in with the baby angle, nice try my guy.

“One and a half months.” 

“I do not mean to pry but you are aware that you have to exclusively breastfeed your child for 6 months before administering anything else that also goes for bottled milk, water, solid foods etc right? My name is Mark by the way, and i have pamphlets here on post and peri natal care that i would like you to have.” 

By God! I swear this guy is looking for it, i am late for my lecture and now this clown is in my face talking to me about breastfeeding. Do i look like i breastfeed? Were is this man parked anyhow? Everyone is trying me today.

“No i wasn’t aware, but thank you. Now goodbye.”

He does not move yet he can see i am irritable, men can be annoying please.

“I am sorry if i have offended you ma’am its just that you seem really smart such that you know the advantages of breastfeeding so i am wondering what prohibits you from breastfeeding your own children?”

I seem smart? This man is asking for it please. Yes Sherlock i am in my third year of LLB i guess that qualifies as smart. Also whats with your obsession with breast feeding? Shit, i am going to be late to class again!

I walk away from the breast obsessed man. I find mr Man parked at the end of the parking lot asking me what took me so long. I roll my eyes and just mumble something as we leave i catch a glimpse of mr breastfeeding oga still standing were i left him. He is probably right, if these were my babies i would probably breastfeed them but they are not. Their mother died in labour and now i have to help around mr Man with baby shopping and watching them at the hostel while he is in meetings. My friends think it is a bizzare situation and if my parents ever find out they would probably murder me to death but I love him. I want to him to see the wife material in me so i have to love them babies of his, they are adorable and little so its such an easy task. Maybe if he sees how i love his offspring he will marry me soon after graduation then i can have more babies for him. This is like a trial run, my life will connect very soon.

I smile :).

FEELING STATION: PUT YOURSELF FIRST

Anonymous: Hello is this this the Feeling Station?

Me: Yes Child, please go ahead and download your feelings.


“Go and look for someone else who will love you because I don’t!”
 


Those are the only words I recall after I had travelled so many miles out of town to go and settle a dispute between me and the man who was my everything.  With my 2 month old baby on my back I walked out of his father’s house where the meeting had took place and vowed I would never set foot there ever again.  All I wanted was for someone to listen to the problems we had been having (My so called knight and shining armour would come and go as he pleases.  The moment we had an argument he would storm out and I would never know if he would come back home or not.  Sometimes he would go for days the most he went for was a month.  Through it all it played havoc on my mind because even after trying to call or text he would not reply any of my messages.  I was at a loss and no one knew where he would disappear to.  He would emerge after “cooling off” and I would be so happy to have him back home I wouldn’t even bother to ask where he had been, all I was happy about was that he was home with me and that’s all that mattered.)   My hopes to find a way forward was a fruitless endeavour.   It was a Saturday evening and my baby kept crying wondering where in the world we were at this time of day but I kept on walking hoping to find transport to get back home.  Eventually we got a lift home and at the back of my head I could still hear him hurling insults saying how he never loved me, how he would never pay a dime to my family and how he had used me.  The words “I never loved you” stuck with me for years to come.  
The next few days I was very active on Facebook posting my bio in the hope of finding a replacement for the man who clearly did not want to be with me.  Guys would call and ask why I was not in a relationship and I simply told them that the guy I had been dating no longer wanted to be with me.  However, they all said the same thing; “he will be back” but I assured them that he had blatantly told me that he wanted nothing to do with me.  It became a bore having to tell them all about myself over the phone and Facebook messages so I decided to just delete my post and have some peace in my life.  I actually wasn’t dealing with the hurt I was going through but tried to find a way to cover up and not feel the wounds of rejection that were deep inside me.  
Many months later during a conversation with a friend she told me about her cousin who was very single and explained everything about him.  It seemed like we would make a perfect match.  She gave him my number and in a few days we were talking and texting away all day.  We really had a good thing going and weeks later he came through to meet up with me and we started things off on a really good note.  Weeks turned into months and I really was happy.  We had something special going on and somehow all the hurt I had been through was starting to slowly go away.  
Then that man who claimed not to love me got back into my life.  First it was a text message, followed by a phone call then next thing he was asking to see me.  There is something about people in your past and not wanting to see you happy.  I was healing and happy again and he had to come back and meddle with something I was trying to build with someone I knew loved me, I didn’t need anyone to tell me, I felt his love.  Being the stupid woman that I was at the time I fell for his trap and I broke up with the new guy and went back to the man I thought had good intentions.  After all, would it not make perfect sense to be with the man who you made a whole human being with?  I regretted that decision for a long time to come…
 
This is the thing about love and feelings.  You can’t help who you love if you love someone you just do.  This is the other thing about love, you can make some pretty shitty decisions because of it.  In my case I dated someone else just to prove a point to the former guy kuti I have moved on and I can be with someone else, but was I ready for all that?  The one sure thing about love is that you need to love and put yourself first.  You see throughout all these experiences it was clear I never took the time to love myself.  If I had known how important my feelings are I would have taken a step back and given myself time to heal, think straight and get back to loving someone else after I was done with me.  
Asi on a very serious note, zvinorwadza kuda munhu womupa everything that you have only for them to turn their back and tell you anga achingokushandisa.  Ko kugara wangotaura kuti tiri kuita zvekushandisana from the get go the next person orega hake kuswera achikuda hake.  Being honest about your feelings and intentions saves lives!  Taavanhu vakuru veduwe do the right thing and tell the person you are dating if you are in it for keeps or not.  At the same time us women torega kunyengedzwa so easily.  I am not against being emotionally invested in someone but if I were you I would choose logical decisions over emotional ones any day 

“Do you believe in love?”

“Do you believe in love?” He asked me.

Do i? Why is he even asking this? Is this one of those leading questions that lead to i am single and you are single so lets just? Because if thats the case no thank you. Or maybe its a simple question just for conversation’s sake. Yea i believe in love actually, because of Ave. She is the most loving person i know, i almost envy her. Almost. This makes me think about that day at the airport, the tears she shed for Muku when he came to bid her farewell. You would think she is going forever but oh well. She kept obsessing about how she already missed him all the way to Bombay. The first week was painful to watch, they would spend each and every free minute of theirs texting, chatting and whatsapp calling with each other it was soo annoying and sweet. “Oh God i miss him and i love him.” Then this one time she happened to want directions to the Western Union she met Patel, a nice handsome Indian fellow who happened to take it upon himself to see her there. A dinner date later and a movie something seemed to be sparking between them. She would obsess about arranged marriages and what would happen if his mother arranged someone else for him, an indian girl, yet she loved him…

Wow

Wonderful.

Fantastic.

She was fighting this lost cause when she met her next prey about two weeks later. Yes a chocolate brother this time, not necessarily Zimbabwean. Rwandese he was, fine guy fine anyhow!! Edible. Hookahs were passed, numbers were exchanged and flirting was experienced. One or two dates later chikitsi was given as a token of appreciation and to appease the gods for making such a mouth watering person. He said he didnt want to be fuckbuddies only, he was ready for a relationship not games. What girl doesnt want to hear that? She bought whatever he was selling, hung on to everything he was saying and even moved into the same apartment building as him only 3 floors lower for control. He kept making excuses from seiing her because he was “studying”. Mmhh. Ave kept on making excuses for him until one day a friend mentioned in passing how he has got a girl and what note. “How could he do this to me, i love him.” It barely has been a week but…. like i said she is the most loving person i know. How can i not believe in love with the likes of Ave roaming in my life? She is the ultimate lover of all mankind, ready to scatter her love everywere and to sow…

“Tatenda?” He jolts me back to reality. “I asked you if you believe in love.”

Lol i can’t believe i been so gone all this while, lol how can i be so caught up in my mind that i forget i am speaking to someone. I must stop smoking God’s plants please. He must think that i am….here i go again.

I snap out of it, “Yes, ofcourse i do. Its just not for me. Not now anyway.”I smile and take another pull, this is the plant that the Lord has made, i will rejoice and be glad in it.