Forgive me Father, for i have sinned. 

Forgive me Father, for i have sinned…

That is all i could say. That is all i managed to pray. Forgiveness. Did i deserve it? I wondered….

I had arrived early at church, with my man in hand ofcourse. You know what they say about couples who pray together and what note. This was our routine every sunday we would visit mass at 1830 followed by a dinner date and whatever else tickles our fancy.

Today was one of those days, mass and an early dinner because of exams, what could go wrong?

We settled on our usual place, last bench on the left aisle him on my left side, i on his right. Then went out to shuffle the hymn books to look for English text. I felt a tap on my neck, nigga better not be playing with my pressure points in this holy church i turn around and face HIM. Oh wow, not the him i was expecting. Another him. A him i shouldn't be bumping into in our lady of the rosary Church! I realise he is waiting for me to wave back, and i do so awkwardly. He walks away to find somewhere to sit. I face my man to see if he sensed the sexual tension that reeked in our brief exchange with HIM (lets call him D) but he gives nothing away.

Phew.

My mind cannot help but go there.  I look at HIM, or rather his backview as he decided to sit 6 benches in front of us. I now have, not one but two men who have seen me naked in this holy catholic church. As if praying besides someone i plan to sin with later is not shameful enough for my conscience. Wow i am a sinner. 

We shouldn't be in the same church considering the ridiculous amount of coitus we have had, i miss squeezing his butt.  He is not handsome like my man next to me but there is something about a man who has nothing to offer except dick. I am in church, i shouldn't be having such ungodly thoughts. Its been a long while since we stopped, to my surprise we are somewhat friends now we can sit and talk, laugh, even give each other relationship advice but it never crossed my mind that we would bump into each other in this church.

The priest enters.

Priest: In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. 

Now i can focus on something else other that my sinfullness.

Priest: Brothers and sisters, let us acknowledge our sins, and so prepare ourselves to celebrate the sacred mysteries.

Me, sincerely:

 I confess to almighty God and to you, my brothers and sisters, that I have greatly sinned, in my thoughts and in my words, in what I have done and in what I have failed to do, through my fault, through my fault,through my most grievous fault; therefore I ask blessed Mary ever-Virgin, all the Angels and Saints, and you, my brothers and sisters, to pray for me to the Lord our God.

I feel slightly better. He is a God of forgiveness after all. Lord have mercy, glory, liturgy of the word and i have regained my sanity just before the first reading. Late comers start trickling in.

Enter Collins.

At this time i am shook, i actually laugh out loud. What is the universe trying to tell me? That i am a ho? Okay okay i get it. As luck would have it he chooses to sit right in front of me where i can see him. I look at my man besides me, oblivious of the comedy that is going on he is focused on the word. He looks back at me and squeezes my hand, i kind of needed that. Collins is the guy i dated before my man here, while i was sleeping with HIM. I did not engage in sexual relations with Collins as i was already getting it elsewere so i claimed i was celibate for the first two months or so then i started being actually celibate and he got fed up of waiting and he said he needed a break. I said okay. And yet here i was, in less than two months obviously cosying up with another man reeking of sexual nourishment. 

What a mess.

When i come to, it is almost time for communion. While giving each other the sign of peace Collins winks at me, i hope the boyfriend did not see that. In an unrelated matter Collins has such a gorgeous smile, one that would melt a witch's coochie. I say out the prayer as genuinely as i can, i truly mean it:

Lord, i am not worthy to receive you but only say the word and my soul shall be healed.

I go and receive communion nonetheless after all this is the chalice of his blood, the blood of the new and everlasting covenant which was poured out for me and for many for the forgiveness of sins. As i walk back from receiving the body of christ i bump into HIM as he is coming also from the alter, i avoid all eye contact as i am at the brink of bursting out in laughter at this ridiculousity that i call my life.

The rest of the mass goes by so fast i am too shook to ask Mary who is full of grace to even pray for me now. And when all is over i walk towards the door, dip my finger in holy water and all i can think of is:

Forgive me father, for i have sinned.

FEELING STATION: PUT YOURSELF FIRST

Anonymous: Hello is this this the Feeling Station?

Me: Yes Child, please go ahead and download your feelings.


“Go and look for someone else who will love you because I don’t!”
 


Those are the only words I recall after I had travelled so many miles out of town to go and settle a dispute between me and the man who was my everything.  With my 2 month old baby on my back I walked out of his father’s house where the meeting had took place and vowed I would never set foot there ever again.  All I wanted was for someone to listen to the problems we had been having (My so called knight and shining armour would come and go as he pleases.  The moment we had an argument he would storm out and I would never know if he would come back home or not.  Sometimes he would go for days the most he went for was a month.  Through it all it played havoc on my mind because even after trying to call or text he would not reply any of my messages.  I was at a loss and no one knew where he would disappear to.  He would emerge after “cooling off” and I would be so happy to have him back home I wouldn’t even bother to ask where he had been, all I was happy about was that he was home with me and that’s all that mattered.)   My hopes to find a way forward was a fruitless endeavour.   It was a Saturday evening and my baby kept crying wondering where in the world we were at this time of day but I kept on walking hoping to find transport to get back home.  Eventually we got a lift home and at the back of my head I could still hear him hurling insults saying how he never loved me, how he would never pay a dime to my family and how he had used me.  The words “I never loved you” stuck with me for years to come.  
The next few days I was very active on Facebook posting my bio in the hope of finding a replacement for the man who clearly did not want to be with me.  Guys would call and ask why I was not in a relationship and I simply told them that the guy I had been dating no longer wanted to be with me.  However, they all said the same thing; “he will be back” but I assured them that he had blatantly told me that he wanted nothing to do with me.  It became a bore having to tell them all about myself over the phone and Facebook messages so I decided to just delete my post and have some peace in my life.  I actually wasn’t dealing with the hurt I was going through but tried to find a way to cover up and not feel the wounds of rejection that were deep inside me.  
Many months later during a conversation with a friend she told me about her cousin who was very single and explained everything about him.  It seemed like we would make a perfect match.  She gave him my number and in a few days we were talking and texting away all day.  We really had a good thing going and weeks later he came through to meet up with me and we started things off on a really good note.  Weeks turned into months and I really was happy.  We had something special going on and somehow all the hurt I had been through was starting to slowly go away.  
Then that man who claimed not to love me got back into my life.  First it was a text message, followed by a phone call then next thing he was asking to see me.  There is something about people in your past and not wanting to see you happy.  I was healing and happy again and he had to come back and meddle with something I was trying to build with someone I knew loved me, I didn’t need anyone to tell me, I felt his love.  Being the stupid woman that I was at the time I fell for his trap and I broke up with the new guy and went back to the man I thought had good intentions.  After all, would it not make perfect sense to be with the man who you made a whole human being with?  I regretted that decision for a long time to come…
 
This is the thing about love and feelings.  You can’t help who you love if you love someone you just do.  This is the other thing about love, you can make some pretty shitty decisions because of it.  In my case I dated someone else just to prove a point to the former guy kuti I have moved on and I can be with someone else, but was I ready for all that?  The one sure thing about love is that you need to love and put yourself first.  You see throughout all these experiences it was clear I never took the time to love myself.  If I had known how important my feelings are I would have taken a step back and given myself time to heal, think straight and get back to loving someone else after I was done with me.  
Asi on a very serious note, zvinorwadza kuda munhu womupa everything that you have only for them to turn their back and tell you anga achingokushandisa.  Ko kugara wangotaura kuti tiri kuita zvekushandisana from the get go the next person orega hake kuswera achikuda hake.  Being honest about your feelings and intentions saves lives!  Taavanhu vakuru veduwe do the right thing and tell the person you are dating if you are in it for keeps or not.  At the same time us women torega kunyengedzwa so easily.  I am not against being emotionally invested in someone but if I were you I would choose logical decisions over emotional ones any day 

Chapter 4: Untitled

I just want stable dick tbh.

I love sex, yes

I miss it, also yes

Do i want to commit, no

Men do it all the time so whats the problem now? V.B has been acting up, i don’t know if its the fact that i won’t commit thats making him trip up or what. I do not want drama all i want is stable dick, i repeat all i want is stable dick. Endless supply of regular dick please. His. I wouldn’t go around because

a) He knows how to throw it in all the right directions

b) Communicable diseases are real, like i can’t. I have to be faithful to one sexual patner and i chose him so what’s the problem now??

You see sex shouldn’t be this complicated, i don’t like to be stressed not now and hopefully not ever. I check my phone to see if he is online. He hasn’t been over at my place for two weeks now, is it time to move on to greener ummm…okay no. I blame his friends and mine both with their why won’t you commit to a guy who loves you questions asking all them questions trying to make me feel weird about my life choices. His friends think i am just like Oliver Twist i like more and more porridge, my friends think im just scared to get hurt. Honestly both of them maybe close to home but i don’t think its weird that i do not wish to commit to anything solid at this given time. 

I👏just👏want👏stable👏dick

Okay, if i have to feign commitment to get it so be it. I hate it but well i guess it is time to have “the talk” and yes it did not go we as you already expected. First of all his friends were wrong because this person also wants to enjoy only. Ouch. The embarrasment. Ofcourse my girl-ego was bruised, its one thing for me to want to just sex you up only, its another thing for you to not want to commit either. I sulked for a few days, got over it when i realised actually this is not complicated. This is perfect, we both want the same thing in life, stable fucking sex!

Then he started acting up, making me feel like its weird to like sex please it was invented to be had. Eve’s greatest gift to humans. It shouldn’t be complicated ffs, love must be not sex ah ah. Wam bam bam!! I like him, i truly do but mine is not to like. Mine is to ignore the fact that he tells all his friends (also mine) about us and what he feels yet he can’t tell me just like i can’t tell him to his face that i check if he is online all the damn time, i notice if he is moody, i stalk his instagram page, i feel mushy when they say his name and i am the happiest girl alive whenever he walks through the door, i am happy when he showing signs of green upon hearing i am drinking up with some mens…nah. Mine is to focus on his mad dick skills. Only. 

I know he likes me

I know i likes me too.

But right now?

 Right now i just want stable dick only

The end.

Chapter 2: Untitled

Read Chapter 1 here

When i met him the second time a week later, i remembered him instantly as the good samaritan who offered me his chest as a pillow. It was three of us in the elevator so i couldn’t really outright thank him verbally. Besides the lights were dead i would have liked to see his expression. We got to 9th floor in total silence and i got out, did a small curtsy and headed to my apartment door and kicked it open. I was so exhausted i just needed to throw myself on the bed and take the longest nap in nap history. 

The repeat of Grey’s Anatomy was still playing on my laptop, probably forgot to turn it off on my school run huh? Fine. I had just slipped into something more comfortable when i saw a reflection on my screen. I wanted to scream, but stopped mid-shreek when i turned and saw him. The good samaritan was standing in the doorway to my bedroom. I stared at him and he stared back at me smiling. What must happen now????

He explained he was here to see a friend who stayed in the same building but the friend was not home so he decided to come chill with me. Hmm. Okay. Do i ask his name?? No, what do i care anyway…i ask him about school instead, he looks at me hurt and explained we already had this convo before the day we met Tatenda. Oh shii, he knows my name. The good freaking samaritan knows my name!! He puts my feet on his lap and starts playing with them and this moment i start to feel a little bit relaxed. In fact, i feel excited. I look at him, he is talking about going to play basketball but all i can think about how hot he would look if he removed his shirt. He is going on and on about something then suddenly he says, “You look tired you must take a shower before you nap that way you will feel better.”

Something in my gut snaps, i am definatley receiving some. My inner Thomas tries to kill my joy by saying maybe a nigga is just tryna give you bathing hints nje. But mmm i will go with this one thought, i shave, i shower as he goes to check if his friends are home yet. Thomas Killjoy was in my mind like but you don’t even know his name how can you do this. The other part of my mind was ready with a comeback like whats a name gotta do with it. 

I was done showering in no time and i found him making small talk with my housemate. I was ready but i didnt know what to say next and i was grateful when he took my hand and led me to my bedroom. I was ready. I was ready to receive the sex and i wasnt going to feel bad about it. I have loved, i have lost, i have given and i haven’t received much in return i wasnt about to feel bad about this stranger sex i was about to receive. He wants to hit it and so do i so for once fuck all reasoning i just want to sex!

I do not have a title for this post

I came to a realisation today. It wasnt a shocking realisation if i do say so, it was as if it has been lurking in the shadows of my mind for days now. But today it hit me hard.

I have a coping mechanism of this sorta thing, i make jokes about this life thing. I have been too calm now that i realise it, i have just been thinking or hoping if i think it then it will make it true. I realised today that i am unhappy, as simple as that.

I am not depressed, i am not angry, i am not in denial i am just not happy. Not about anything in particular but about life generally. Maybe i am just having a bad day my day hasnt been bad, it was great actually. Maybe its because i spend a lot of time on the internet were everyone seems so happy and im just like 🙆. 

Maybe its because in my hearts of hearts i still love people i have no right to be loving. Maybe in my mind of minds im still thinking about people i have no business thinking about. Maybe its because i always catch myself daydreaming about people i am not meant to be. I am tired. I do not need this. I came to freaking asia to get away from this. I dont wanna end up bitter, i dont wanna end up hating people so by God please. I am at a great point, i am on the brink of making it, i am loving who i am right now so why cant i just feel happy. I pray for peoples happinesses, i just wanna live in this moment, i just wanna be happy.

How do i become happy?

Chapter 10: The End

Everything was moving fast. My fees were paid, my ticket had been bought and my visa had been stamped and yet i was hoping my knight in shining armour would just walk in and say babe i have seen the light! I would actually go to sleep with my door unlocked in case he had an epiphany in the middle of the night but eh! My last bf used to come back crawling and sleep in my bathroom if we fought so i would check in the bathroom everynight when i came home thinking maybe thats what all boys do but this one was resistant to formation *inserts a sigh*.

He did not know i was leaving and i did not know if i must tell him and most importantly did he care? The hard one was packing and moving back home a week before a left, reality struck and i cried all my lungs out i maybe in need of a transplant. That is when i finally mastered the nuts to tell him i am leaving among other heartfelt things even though i knew he may not reply. He replied a few days later 

Congratulations hey, i am happy for you. When are you leaving? Are you at home?

Concern or good riddance typa situation?

The day after tommorow, yes i am at home.

 We had a conversation for a while then he said he would come say his byes at the airport even flirted a little. I was like let me go out there and get my priotities straight while you sort yourself out. Okay.  No problem. Come day of departure nigga pulled a no show, i wanted to call to remind him of the my check in time but the tiny pride i still had was like hiwe!!!! His last seen froze from the time i left home i started thinking maybe he got involved in an accident on his way to see me off. These excuses i give myself 😂😂😂. When i finally managed to speak to him guys, the things i was told :'(:'(.

 He was like:

 Go speak to your boyfriends, the ones you told about going to India, when you never told me about your plan

(But child of the most high you were not speaking to me wani?)

Start seeing other people there. It ll be fun
Fun? But that would be cheating though and he says then try cheating. Guys 😂😂😂 what is life actually??

Ok, let me put this straight, me and you are done. Nothing else is going to happen. Im only entertaining you cause most probably you dont have anyone to talk to.
Eh!!!!!!!!!!!! 

#senzeni Na? 😭😭

Tatadzeikoo

Thixo, morena wa marena. Baba God why? This man who was overpossesive and would freak whenever i talked to boys is now telling me that i am lonely. What demonic words are these actually? Lol did he stop there, he louded a bunch of dramatical sentences which were of disgraceful nature. 

 Okay.

Okay i am fool

Okay i get it now, you do not love me

Okay fuck off mudhara!

Okay there is no need to be rude

Okay RIP to my pride of self worth

Okay thank you for wasting my time

Okay so people see me as breakupworthy all the time huh

Okay *cries in wasted effort*

Okay im sorry for loving you this much

Okay i will not bother you again

Okay ima put my heart in rice

Okay i wish you all the good things in life 

Okay, just okay.

Okay.
The end. 👏👏

Chapter 9: The End

The way our sleepover had been 🔥🔥🔥 and the way this nigga was now ignoring me also i was starting to suspect he was allergic to happiness.  Because what other exaplanation could he have for such behaviour? That he was not interested anymore? Hai suka, my mind cannot digest such.

His bestfriend was the worst and the best, he gave me strong yese. He would be like yals love each other too much to be doing this B/S its just silly season lite. When people asked after me he would say that i am fine yet he did not speak to me. Dude wyd, what of i am not fine? Do you even know if i am really fine?? Stop throwing these big words around wethu. Eh okay. He continued with his silent treatment and in my mind i was busy making excuses for his behaviour.

Maybe he died

Maybe someone he loves died

Maybe he has battery problems.

Maybe voice rake rakaenda 😂😂😂

Maybe he is doing 40 days of praying and fasting therefore he is on mute like John the Baptist did.

Maybe he was abducted by aliens who keep updating his last seen so won’t know he is missing.

Eh..carry on. I took the time to get slightly serious with other activities like fitness and oh my mum started asking me about going for public health. Mmm i did not know honestly, everything was a blurr rn. But what could i say? Umm mom im conflicted because my boyfriend who has not talked to me for a span now may come around and we may live happily ever after? 😂😂 She would shove me back into her womb and tell me to knock if im ready for this real life thing. So i said sure i could go and receive some education and i started on the process half hoping the aliens would return ubabes before its too late.