FEELING STATION: PUT YOURSELF FIRST

Anonymous: Hello is this this the Feeling Station?

Me: Yes Child, please go ahead and download your feelings.


“Go and look for someone else who will love you because I don’t!”
 


Those are the only words I recall after I had travelled so many miles out of town to go and settle a dispute between me and the man who was my everything.  With my 2 month old baby on my back I walked out of his father’s house where the meeting had took place and vowed I would never set foot there ever again.  All I wanted was for someone to listen to the problems we had been having (My so called knight and shining armour would come and go as he pleases.  The moment we had an argument he would storm out and I would never know if he would come back home or not.  Sometimes he would go for days the most he went for was a month.  Through it all it played havoc on my mind because even after trying to call or text he would not reply any of my messages.  I was at a loss and no one knew where he would disappear to.  He would emerge after “cooling off” and I would be so happy to have him back home I wouldn’t even bother to ask where he had been, all I was happy about was that he was home with me and that’s all that mattered.)   My hopes to find a way forward was a fruitless endeavour.   It was a Saturday evening and my baby kept crying wondering where in the world we were at this time of day but I kept on walking hoping to find transport to get back home.  Eventually we got a lift home and at the back of my head I could still hear him hurling insults saying how he never loved me, how he would never pay a dime to my family and how he had used me.  The words “I never loved you” stuck with me for years to come.  
The next few days I was very active on Facebook posting my bio in the hope of finding a replacement for the man who clearly did not want to be with me.  Guys would call and ask why I was not in a relationship and I simply told them that the guy I had been dating no longer wanted to be with me.  However, they all said the same thing; “he will be back” but I assured them that he had blatantly told me that he wanted nothing to do with me.  It became a bore having to tell them all about myself over the phone and Facebook messages so I decided to just delete my post and have some peace in my life.  I actually wasn’t dealing with the hurt I was going through but tried to find a way to cover up and not feel the wounds of rejection that were deep inside me.  
Many months later during a conversation with a friend she told me about her cousin who was very single and explained everything about him.  It seemed like we would make a perfect match.  She gave him my number and in a few days we were talking and texting away all day.  We really had a good thing going and weeks later he came through to meet up with me and we started things off on a really good note.  Weeks turned into months and I really was happy.  We had something special going on and somehow all the hurt I had been through was starting to slowly go away.  
Then that man who claimed not to love me got back into my life.  First it was a text message, followed by a phone call then next thing he was asking to see me.  There is something about people in your past and not wanting to see you happy.  I was healing and happy again and he had to come back and meddle with something I was trying to build with someone I knew loved me, I didn’t need anyone to tell me, I felt his love.  Being the stupid woman that I was at the time I fell for his trap and I broke up with the new guy and went back to the man I thought had good intentions.  After all, would it not make perfect sense to be with the man who you made a whole human being with?  I regretted that decision for a long time to come…
 
This is the thing about love and feelings.  You can’t help who you love if you love someone you just do.  This is the other thing about love, you can make some pretty shitty decisions because of it.  In my case I dated someone else just to prove a point to the former guy kuti I have moved on and I can be with someone else, but was I ready for all that?  The one sure thing about love is that you need to love and put yourself first.  You see throughout all these experiences it was clear I never took the time to love myself.  If I had known how important my feelings are I would have taken a step back and given myself time to heal, think straight and get back to loving someone else after I was done with me.  
Asi on a very serious note, zvinorwadza kuda munhu womupa everything that you have only for them to turn their back and tell you anga achingokushandisa.  Ko kugara wangotaura kuti tiri kuita zvekushandisana from the get go the next person orega hake kuswera achikuda hake.  Being honest about your feelings and intentions saves lives!  Taavanhu vakuru veduwe do the right thing and tell the person you are dating if you are in it for keeps or not.  At the same time us women torega kunyengedzwa so easily.  I am not against being emotionally invested in someone but if I were you I would choose logical decisions over emotional ones any day 

Chapter 4: Untitled

I just want stable dick tbh.

I love sex, yes

I miss it, also yes

Do i want to commit, no

Men do it all the time so whats the problem now? V.B has been acting up, i don’t know if its the fact that i won’t commit thats making him trip up or what. I do not want drama all i want is stable dick, i repeat all i want is stable dick. Endless supply of regular dick please. His. I wouldn’t go around because

a) He knows how to throw it in all the right directions

b) Communicable diseases are real, like i can’t. I have to be faithful to one sexual patner and i chose him so what’s the problem now??

You see sex shouldn’t be this complicated, i don’t like to be stressed not now and hopefully not ever. I check my phone to see if he is online. He hasn’t been over at my place for two weeks now, is it time to move on to greener ummm…okay no. I blame his friends and mine both with their why won’t you commit to a guy who loves you questions asking all them questions trying to make me feel weird about my life choices. His friends think i am just like Oliver Twist i like more and more porridge, my friends think im just scared to get hurt. Honestly both of them maybe close to home but i don’t think its weird that i do not wish to commit to anything solid at this given time. 

I👏just👏want👏stable👏dick

Okay, if i have to feign commitment to get it so be it. I hate it but well i guess it is time to have “the talk” and yes it did not go we as you already expected. First of all his friends were wrong because this person also wants to enjoy only. Ouch. The embarrasment. Ofcourse my girl-ego was bruised, its one thing for me to want to just sex you up only, its another thing for you to not want to commit either. I sulked for a few days, got over it when i realised actually this is not complicated. This is perfect, we both want the same thing in life, stable fucking sex!

Then he started acting up, making me feel like its weird to like sex please it was invented to be had. Eve’s greatest gift to humans. It shouldn’t be complicated ffs, love must be not sex ah ah. Wam bam bam!! I like him, i truly do but mine is not to like. Mine is to ignore the fact that he tells all his friends (also mine) about us and what he feels yet he can’t tell me just like i can’t tell him to his face that i check if he is online all the damn time, i notice if he is moody, i stalk his instagram page, i feel mushy when they say his name and i am the happiest girl alive whenever he walks through the door, i am happy when he showing signs of green upon hearing i am drinking up with some mens…nah. Mine is to focus on his mad dick skills. Only. 

I know he likes me

I know i likes me too.

But right now?

 Right now i just want stable dick only

The end.

Chapter 3: Untitled

​VB says he came to kiss me goodnight last night but he found me asleep, and in my natural form. I honestly should stop drinking mid-week lest great opportunities pass me by and by great opportunities i mean…. 


I have been at it with him for 3 weeks now. I do not know his real name, and i do not want to know it so i call him VB (short for vaginal bae). I met him one fateful day in the elevator and we clicked…okay our body parts clicked. I know i should at least learn the man’s name and how to pronounce it but whats the point we are not in it for the long haul anyway its just for pleasure.
I have been hurt before i am not trying to go back there. Had it not been for my other needs i swear i wouldnt need niggas ever but hey my reproductive parts wont let me. 

Sometimes i want to know him especially when he is looking at me with those small eyes and throwing those strokes in the right direction. Sometimes i just want to get lost in whatever this is because nothing lasts forever in this earth, we all die anyway. But my heart threatened to protest if ever let anybody in that way ever again any time soon.

Why am i grinning like such a fool? 

Because he came all the way to kiss me goodnight? 

Or because he did not want to disturb my sleep so he just sat there and watched me sleep. 

Or is it because he switched off all the lights before leaving, i like men who do these small little things. 

I know i am starting to like him a tad more than i should even though he is not particularly handsome. In fact, if i am being honest  i’d say he is not handsome at all. I know if we tried it will never work out, i am not ready for a relationship. He is good for my nether regions and in my nether regions he shall remain. But maybe….maybe i must just learn his name for now.

Chapter 2: Untitled

Read Chapter 1 here

When i met him the second time a week later, i remembered him instantly as the good samaritan who offered me his chest as a pillow. It was three of us in the elevator so i couldn’t really outright thank him verbally. Besides the lights were dead i would have liked to see his expression. We got to 9th floor in total silence and i got out, did a small curtsy and headed to my apartment door and kicked it open. I was so exhausted i just needed to throw myself on the bed and take the longest nap in nap history. 

The repeat of Grey’s Anatomy was still playing on my laptop, probably forgot to turn it off on my school run huh? Fine. I had just slipped into something more comfortable when i saw a reflection on my screen. I wanted to scream, but stopped mid-shreek when i turned and saw him. The good samaritan was standing in the doorway to my bedroom. I stared at him and he stared back at me smiling. What must happen now????

He explained he was here to see a friend who stayed in the same building but the friend was not home so he decided to come chill with me. Hmm. Okay. Do i ask his name?? No, what do i care anyway…i ask him about school instead, he looks at me hurt and explained we already had this convo before the day we met Tatenda. Oh shii, he knows my name. The good freaking samaritan knows my name!! He puts my feet on his lap and starts playing with them and this moment i start to feel a little bit relaxed. In fact, i feel excited. I look at him, he is talking about going to play basketball but all i can think about how hot he would look if he removed his shirt. He is going on and on about something then suddenly he says, “You look tired you must take a shower before you nap that way you will feel better.”

Something in my gut snaps, i am definatley receiving some. My inner Thomas tries to kill my joy by saying maybe a nigga is just tryna give you bathing hints nje. But mmm i will go with this one thought, i shave, i shower as he goes to check if his friends are home yet. Thomas Killjoy was in my mind like but you don’t even know his name how can you do this. The other part of my mind was ready with a comeback like whats a name gotta do with it. 

I was done showering in no time and i found him making small talk with my housemate. I was ready but i didnt know what to say next and i was grateful when he took my hand and led me to my bedroom. I was ready. I was ready to receive the sex and i wasnt going to feel bad about it. I have loved, i have lost, i have given and i haven’t received much in return i wasnt about to feel bad about this stranger sex i was about to receive. He wants to hit it and so do i so for once fuck all reasoning i just want to sex!

Chapter 1: Untitled

“With you and him its not just casual is it?”

I chuckle.

“Drink!”

Oh wow, why did i even suggest playing these drinking games like i am Tyrion Lanister? Now she is asking me about the elephant in the room, and by room i mean my mind. I have been asking myself this question for a while, i wish i knew the answer but as they say what you do not know won’t hurt you.

I swallow the neat whisky and watch her supress a knowing smile. 

But this whole mess is her fault. Had she not lost the housekeys that day, had i been at home safely tucked in bed i wouldnt be in this mess would i? I was sitting really pissed at her that day when he stepped out of the elevator with two other brothers and asked us to join the drinking upstairs. I was in no mood for festivities i was pissed last number, i was tired, i had had a long day all i longed for was a shower, a hot meal and my freaking bed. She politely declined to my relief as i sat there quietly trying to control my temper. The trio disappears, i guess they can tell i am pissed beyond limits.

We loiter around trying to get someone to open the door but to no avail as it is late and all the spare keys are tucked away in the office and its way past office hours. The best they can do is offer us a room in the unoccupied apartment, a dirty matress and the filthiest pillows i have ever encountered. My God, i am livid. I am so angry i wanna scream but i have to save my energy because i am quarter to starving. She brings a plate of hot food, i refuse because i am angry (petty right, i know 😂😂). Wait, i think i finally accepted the food but thats not the point. 

He comes back, one of the trio…he is tall and dark, i am sleepy and angry what must happen now? He watches me pretend to sleep, my head is on my backpack i cant even look at those godforsaken pillows. He chuckles. A small chuckle thats almost silent but loud enough to awaken certain parts of my body but hey i am in no mood to be friendly. He explains that i will never fall asleep with my head on the backpack because i am not used to it and that i would rather use his chest as a pillow until i fall asleep then he will transfer my body to the backpack after i fall asleep. Wow, such kindness. I waste no time, he smells good and i just wanna…..
I drift to sleep, when i wake up he is gone. No harm no foul. Its morning anyways i need to find my keys…

“Do you believe in love?”

“Do you believe in love?” He asked me.

Do i? Why is he even asking this? Is this one of those leading questions that lead to i am single and you are single so lets just? Because if thats the case no thank you. Or maybe its a simple question just for conversation’s sake. Yea i believe in love actually, because of Ave. She is the most loving person i know, i almost envy her. Almost. This makes me think about that day at the airport, the tears she shed for Muku when he came to bid her farewell. You would think she is going forever but oh well. She kept obsessing about how she already missed him all the way to Bombay. The first week was painful to watch, they would spend each and every free minute of theirs texting, chatting and whatsapp calling with each other it was soo annoying and sweet. “Oh God i miss him and i love him.” Then this one time she happened to want directions to the Western Union she met Patel, a nice handsome Indian fellow who happened to take it upon himself to see her there. A dinner date later and a movie something seemed to be sparking between them. She would obsess about arranged marriages and what would happen if his mother arranged someone else for him, an indian girl, yet she loved him…

Wow

Wonderful.

Fantastic.

She was fighting this lost cause when she met her next prey about two weeks later. Yes a chocolate brother this time, not necessarily Zimbabwean. Rwandese he was, fine guy fine anyhow!! Edible. Hookahs were passed, numbers were exchanged and flirting was experienced. One or two dates later chikitsi was given as a token of appreciation and to appease the gods for making such a mouth watering person. He said he didnt want to be fuckbuddies only, he was ready for a relationship not games. What girl doesnt want to hear that? She bought whatever he was selling, hung on to everything he was saying and even moved into the same apartment building as him only 3 floors lower for control. He kept making excuses from seiing her because he was “studying”. Mmhh. Ave kept on making excuses for him until one day a friend mentioned in passing how he has got a girl and what note. “How could he do this to me, i love him.” It barely has been a week but…. like i said she is the most loving person i know. How can i not believe in love with the likes of Ave roaming in my life? She is the ultimate lover of all mankind, ready to scatter her love everywere and to sow…

“Tatenda?” He jolts me back to reality. “I asked you if you believe in love.”

Lol i can’t believe i been so gone all this while, lol how can i be so caught up in my mind that i forget i am speaking to someone. I must stop smoking God’s plants please. He must think that i am….here i go again.

I snap out of it, “Yes, ofcourse i do. Its just not for me. Not now anyway.”I smile and take another pull, this is the plant that the Lord has made, i will rejoice and be glad in it.

Concerns of mad black women

So….i have been urged to blog, well via public demand. And by public i mean Ma Kupa so ya. Anyway i wanna talk about something that these men do real quick. I mean i do not know if its these nigga problem or its ours. What am i even talking about or is it the Magic moments speaking? So anyway, the scenario is you hold out for long tryna build intimacy nyana with someone before heading for the head and when you finally put the person nuts in two seconds.

Nigga wot????

I mean if she about to surprise you with some bomb sex be ready, masturbate or some shit because 👋. I thought men had a sixth sense that tells them they about to receive some sex. Or prophecy, intuition or telepathy. Honestly madhiri etwo seconds haafaye. Masister arikuchema nemi ari kuti kwete, aiwa matiregera munhu ndeanogara akagadzirira hamuzivi musi nenguva….. 

I tried to explain to someone tho that the first round is always for the men, well since she all about gender equality she almost chopped my head off well she is all about equal opportunities. So my dear fellows wait it out, do not nut nyore nyore like when she finally puts out she expects you to work it like a pro. Don’t embarass us.