Anonymous: Hello is this this the Feeling Station?
Me: Yes Child, please go ahead and download your feelings.
“Go and look for someone else who will love you because I don’t!”
Those are the only words I recall after I had travelled so many miles out of town to go and settle a dispute between me and the man who was my everything. With my 2 month old baby on my back I walked out of his father’s house where the meeting had took place and vowed I would never set foot there ever again. All I wanted was for someone to listen to the problems we had been having (My so called knight and shining armour would come and go as he pleases. The moment we had an argument he would storm out and I would never know if he would come back home or not. Sometimes he would go for days the most he went for was a month. Through it all it played havoc on my mind because even after trying to call or text he would not reply any of my messages. I was at a loss and no one knew where he would disappear to. He would emerge after “cooling off” and I would be so happy to have him back home I wouldn’t even bother to ask where he had been, all I was happy about was that he was home with me and that’s all that mattered.) My hopes to find a way forward was a fruitless endeavour. It was a Saturday evening and my baby kept crying wondering where in the world we were at this time of day but I kept on walking hoping to find transport to get back home. Eventually we got a lift home and at the back of my head I could still hear him hurling insults saying how he never loved me, how he would never pay a dime to my family and how he had used me. The words “I never loved you” stuck with me for years to come.
The next few days I was very active on Facebook posting my bio in the hope of finding a replacement for the man who clearly did not want to be with me. Guys would call and ask why I was not in a relationship and I simply told them that the guy I had been dating no longer wanted to be with me. However, they all said the same thing; “he will be back” but I assured them that he had blatantly told me that he wanted nothing to do with me. It became a bore having to tell them all about myself over the phone and Facebook messages so I decided to just delete my post and have some peace in my life. I actually wasn’t dealing with the hurt I was going through but tried to find a way to cover up and not feel the wounds of rejection that were deep inside me.
Many months later during a conversation with a friend she told me about her cousin who was very single and explained everything about him. It seemed like we would make a perfect match. She gave him my number and in a few days we were talking and texting away all day. We really had a good thing going and weeks later he came through to meet up with me and we started things off on a really good note. Weeks turned into months and I really was happy. We had something special going on and somehow all the hurt I had been through was starting to slowly go away.
Then that man who claimed not to love me got back into my life. First it was a text message, followed by a phone call then next thing he was asking to see me. There is something about people in your past and not wanting to see you happy. I was healing and happy again and he had to come back and meddle with something I was trying to build with someone I knew loved me, I didn’t need anyone to tell me, I felt his love. Being the stupid woman that I was at the time I fell for his trap and I broke up with the new guy and went back to the man I thought had good intentions. After all, would it not make perfect sense to be with the man who you made a whole human being with? I regretted that decision for a long time to come…
This is the thing about love and feelings. You can’t help who you love if you love someone you just do. This is the other thing about love, you can make some pretty shitty decisions because of it. In my case I dated someone else just to prove a point to the former guy kuti I have moved on and I can be with someone else, but was I ready for all that? The one sure thing about love is that you need to love and put yourself first. You see throughout all these experiences it was clear I never took the time to love myself. If I had known how important my feelings are I would have taken a step back and given myself time to heal, think straight and get back to loving someone else after I was done with me.
Asi on a very serious note, zvinorwadza kuda munhu womupa everything that you have only for them to turn their back and tell you anga achingokushandisa. Ko kugara wangotaura kuti tiri kuita zvekushandisana from the get go the next person orega hake kuswera achikuda hake. Being honest about your feelings and intentions saves lives! Taavanhu vakuru veduwe do the right thing and tell the person you are dating if you are in it for keeps or not. At the same time us women torega kunyengedzwa so easily. I am not against being emotionally invested in someone but if I were you I would choose logical decisions over emotional ones any day