Weird things i do when i am alone

You might want to read this before you proceed 😊🤗

  1. The first thing i do whenever i am left alone is to take off my clothes and just walk around naked. It is liberating, the highest form of independence. If its not possible to take off my clothes i take off something, one item of clothing a hat, a shoe…something!
  2. I examine my boobs for cancer or in other words i feel myself up. At times it doesn’t end there, i examine other parts of my anatomy too 🤔
  3. I speak to myself while in the loo. A full blown dialogue of situations, create scenarios that have never happened and are not even remotely affiliated with anything i may have seen or heard. I could be writing scripts in the bathroom and be next Shonda, i am really sitting on a talent.
  4. I sniff myself to sleep. My shower gel is to blame for this, i be just lying there smelling like fresh angel tears, forbiden fruits and paradise and i can’t help but sniff myself after every 3 seconds and take a small nibble at me at times. Yea i deserve nice things, do not look at me like that!
  5. I don’t answer the door, i sit still and pretend i am not home  because peopling is taxing.
  6. I dance in the mirror and do full blown karaokes, in other words i turn up!! Sing out loud till my voice quivers and let out my crazy-should-never-be-seen dances and sometimes records them.
  7. Open the fridge a thousand times and hope my fave food just magically appears
  8. My hands are always in my panties or on my boob, they are my safe places + they are comfortable. I do remember to wash my hands tho whenever i become aware of what i am doing (sometimes)

Well thats probably it for now, i am sure there is more stuff that i have just forgotten these can’t be the only other grossly weird habits i have. Will update when i think of my extra solo habits!
P.S Feel free to drop your own weird habits in the comment section this is a safe place 

30 Day Blog challenge

So i haven’t been writing much these days its either laziness, writer’s block or just one of those things were maybe i have realised that im only a good writer when i am in love or seriously heartbroken. But thats gotta change so i am doing this 30 day blog challenge to jumpstart my writing skills again. Enjoy 💋

Whose babies are these anyway (5)

Read chapters 1 2 3 and 4 if you haven't already…

I feel kind of guilty for telling Tanya about Hazel and she left, leaving the kids with that girl. Who does that? What was she thinking? Was this her way of dealing with things? Who was she trying to fix? Whose babies are these anyway. 

Ever since she went awol last week i have been taking care of the kids, her phone is unreachable, her husband is going from family to family trying to locate her to no avail. Poor Jonathan…smh did i just say poor Jonathan? That is just unfair. Poor Tanya. In fact so poor as it is after being cheated on she is going to be labelled a bad mother for dumping her kids at the side kick's. When the family meeting is called she is going to receive backlash and be told to act straight because she is not the first woman to have her husband step out. Her parents will probably tell her to go back to her husband and stop embarrasing them which is why she didn't go to them. I should have kept my big mouth shut but instead i just had to create a mess.

Arrrgh!

The car pulls in the driveway, another unfruitful day of looking for her is the look on Jonathan's face. I know he is now fearing for the worst, what if ahe went and did something stupid and killed herself? I am only here for the kids, i cant be making him feel better not after what he did to my cousin. He walks past me and goes to bed, again he has skipped his dinner and he won't look at his kids i am worried.

Let me try to call Tanya again maybe by some chance…..oh God it rings! Somebody picks up 

Me: Hello

Silence…….

Me: Tanya, don't hang up. Just tell me were you are please and if you are safe.

Silence……….

Me: We are all worried, he misses you and the children need you please come back home sis.

Her: Do not ever call me again.

The phone is dead.

How can she be so heartless? Women never dump their children, in fact they usually stay for their children. I do not know what to do, what did i get myself into? What do i do? Whose babies are these anyway?

Nuts about nuts

I had never had a coconut, but well i had the liberty of tasting one quite recently. Horrible! I mean the amount of energy i used to remove its extra hairs, take out the droplets of coconut water, break the shell only to get to the flesh and it wasn’t what i anticipated ha! 

I did learn a thing or two tho in the process. One of them was i am more patient than i thought I was. I mean i had a whole set goal, the nut (i am nuts about nuts but thats a story for another day). I have recently started ising coconut oil in my cooking and while it was nice at first just imagine your stew smelling like tennis biscuits. Very unbecoming. I appreciate the benefits it has on the skin, the kilojoules etc but lets face it coconuts suck! There i said it.

 Now i was wondering why i just started writing about coconuts after taking a whole amount of time off, i think i now know the reason why. That is my unpopular opinion, thank you for listening 😊. God bless you

Whose babies are these anyway? (4)

Read 1, 2 and 3 here if haven’t already.

Its rare occassions like these were i get to have off days, and by off i mean off from watching the kids. I love spending time with the twins but i am a man, sometimes i feel like i am not designed to sit at home with the babies all day waiting for my wife to bring home the bacon.

Today the wife has an offday and i am out with the boys because its a weekend and only then can they hangout during the day. I hate being a stay at home dad to be honest, my mother thinks its weird that i let my wife wear the pants like i had a choice. I cannot secure a job in this income and so my wife has to work very hard but boy the dillema of living with an breadwinning woman #sigh. She respected me at first, she understood and supported my decision but i cannot help but feel like she looks at me as if i am useless man. She is starting to sound more and more disrespectful, i want to earn her admiration back again, i want her to look at me with awe like she used to.

 What do i bring to the table besides….i chuckle. This is what got me into the whole Hazel situation, i just needed a break. I just needed to feel like a man, i just needed to remind myself that i can still get the respect deserved. The whole babysitting thing was circumstantial, i didn’t plan on it. I just wanted to feel needed and boy is she needy. My phone has been buzzing none stop and i know for certain thats her even though i just saw her, one would think she has her hands full what with all that education she is receiving. I need to stop it with her, i love my wife and i love my family i wouldn’t want to jeopardise that for these whores. Maybe i should text her and tell her that i want out, or should i drive over there and tell her in person? Texting is more appropriate, i think and while i am at it go home and spend time with my family it has been damn too long.

HAZEL: YOU ARE NOT COMING TO SEE ME TODAY? I MISS YOU

Not now, Satan.

HAZEL: OH NEVER MIND, MY TETE IS COMING TO KEEP ME COMPANY. WHAT DO YOU THINK I SHOULD WEAR I HAVE A WARDROBE CRISIS.

I don’t give a hoot what you wear. What’s this chic on?

HAZEL: I DECIDED TO WEAR A SKIRT, JUST SO YOU KNOW I AM NOT WEARING ANY UNDERWEAR SO I ADVICE YOU TO COME OVER WHEN SHE HAS LEFT. I WILL TEXT YOU. XO-XO

Typical attention seeking syndrome, i am turned on but i am going home to my wife!

Tanya: If you think that college kid can do a better job as a wife, as a mother  then i am not going to stand in your way Jonathan but be rest assured i won’t be here to watch you make a fool of everything I have built. I am done, do not look for me.

Wait, what??

HAZEL: YOU FUCKING PIG, PICK UP YOUR PHONE. YOUR WIFE, MAY GOD REST HER SOUL, LEFT THE BABIES HERE AND JUST DISAPPEARED, COME AND TAKE YOUR FUCKING KIDS BEFORE I THROW THEM IN THE TRASH CAN WERE YAL BELONG!!
Shit. I drive blindly towards her campus with a million thoughts swimming in my head. How? What? Were? When i cannot even begin to comprehend it. Hazel’s phone is unreachable and if it is true that she dumped the kids at Hazel’s hostel then what now? How did she find out? Her aunt is my wife? I am so confused, women are confusing. What if i lose my wife because of this self-validation nonsense then what? This is some deep shit i am in, but whatever happens i am going to collect my kids from Hazel and go home with them and figure it out from there.

Tanya’s phone is still unreachable, what if she has done something stupid like kill herself? Oh My God what have i done??